Do I deserve this?
by NinetailedJay
Summary: Grace is struggling with life at the moment. She doesn't think she fits anywhere and When facing life changing news things are coming into perspective for her. What will she discover and how will everyone else try to help? Rated T for language.
1. Grace, Grace, Grace

**Hey! I decided to finally write a Fanfiction about Avatar. This follows Grace as it said in the summary, it is slightly AU in the sense that none of the Movie events happen in this (Although the ending of this may link together. SPOILERS!) So yeah, Its rated T for language but y'know the Avatar film and their language so it might be strong at points. I don't know I might play a good girl and keep it to a minimum.**

**So please Enjoy!...**

* * *

><p>"Grace?" Jake wheeled his chair slightly so he could look behind him at his fellow colleague.<p>

"Jake?" Grace muttered as she peered down a microscope.

"Are you feeling alright?" Jake asked the question in as much as a non-nosey way as possible. He knew Grace would just protest if he did that.

"Apart from the fact I have to babysit you half the day I'm fine." Grace sounded annoyed but Jake couldn't see her face to confirm if she was or not.  
>She was being defensive he knew there was no point pressing the matter anymore. For a few days now he had noticed several signs that Grace was trying<br>to cover subtly. Just now he had been doing his video entry when he saw Grace's hand fly to her lower chest and a brief look of agony flitter across  
>her face and then moments later she was back to her work, steady hands dropping bits and pieces into a vial. Jake had seen one too many of these<br>moments to be able to ignore them. He had even taken to lowering his time in the Avatar slightly so he could be on the look out for any more of these  
>signs. He knew he wasn't a scientist and he wasn't the brightest bulb in the cupboard when it came to injuries, he had always tried to stay clear of<br>them when he was a Marine. But what he did know was that Grace was strong and if even moments could cause her to show discomfort then it had to be  
>bad, plus the fact that Grace was a scientist and she was bound to know what it was and as this was probably right she, for some reason<br>hadn't mentioned to the other three. So Jake had finally plucked up the courage to ask her, funny how he can't ask her if she is alright but he  
>could go storming into a military base full of armed soldiers.<p>

"Why do you ask?" Shit, This was the question Jake didn't want Grace to ask. If she knew he had seen these moments she would get even more defensive and  
>he wanted to help her not drive her away.<p>

"You're looking crappier and crappier everyday." He figured if he tried to offend her in another way then she wouldn't catch on to his real intentions.

"Thanks, back at'ya" Grace smiled now looking up at him. Then her face faltered again, Jake saw her body convulse at her ribs.

"Grace!" Jake leant forward quickly in case Grace fell forward.

"I'm fine," Grace spat through gritted teeth. She stood up and without looking at Jake she swept out the room.

"That was weird." Jake settled back into his wheelchair and stared at the place where Grace had left. Meanwhile Grace was stomping through Site 26.  
>She approached her Link and she slammed her fist on the red button causing the lid to jump open. She was cursing herself for showing weakness. She knew<br>all this week when the pain had amounted to too much for her to cope with she faulted and several times she had glanced Jake looking her way. Then to show  
>weakness right in front of him like that was pathetic. She had sworn to tell nobody yet here she was basically spilling out her feelings to some scourn.<br>Settling down on the gel and bringing the wire rack over the top, Grace hit the go button and closed the lid. Within seconds she was following the familiar  
>vortex that she knew would end in a bright white light and then the last view she had seen as her Avatar.<p>

* * *

><p>"Ahh crap." Jake slammed his fist on the metal table, it didn't make much of a impact so Jake slammed his fist down again. He wasn't sure why he was so angry, but then he realized he wasn't angry at himself<br>he was angry that Grace wouldn't let him in. The stone cold, hardened woman that he looks up to, sees as a peer and a friend won't tell him things that normal people would. Jake put his hands to the cool metal wheels and pushed so he was propelled through the temporary home. He didn't know what he was looking for, maybe something to distract him. He thought it was funny how one little argument (if that is what you could call what just happened between them) make him so annoyed. Jake found himself in front of the fridge that held the sticky note 'only FOOD in this fridge.' It was scrawled in Grace's untidy handwriting that was still easy to read. Jakes eyes drifted down to the pictures of the Na'vi school Grace worked so hard to set up. He lifted his hand and traced it over one of the photos. Grace was in the middle as her Avatar of course. Five children surrounded her all laughing at some long forgotten joke that Grace had just told them. Jake looked closer at the picture. All of Garce's human significant features were embedded on the Avatar's face. Even though it didn't house he curly, red hair Jake could see the likeness so much it was scary. But Jake could also see the kindness of Grace in her Avatar more than in the woman herself. Jake tore his eyes from the picture and focused on the desk to the side. It was Grace's, go figure. She would nab the desk next to the fridge so she wouldn't have to stop work to keep up her strength. Jake's eyes lingered on a little box on the desk. He reached out and grabbed it. It was the packet of cigarettes Grace had opened earlier that day. Flipping open the lid Jake nearly dropped the packet in shock, only one was left out of ten. He didn't know if it was seeing the nearly empty packet that made him do it or whether it was the need he felt that he wanted to help Grace in someway or maybe it was a combination but something clicked inside his head and as always he leaped before he looked.

"Ahhhh" Grace sighed as she slipped her feet in the cool water. It was a hot day on Pandora and even in the shade of the Hometree the heat still made an impact on the Omaticayas life. Scanning the area you could see children making shelters out of the big palm leaves and vines from the surrounding trees. They all laughed and played as it was too hot to run about like they usually did. Moving her gaze nearer the Hometree Grace could spot the hunter's taking a break to dip into the river just like She was doing. The air buzzed with the sound of life, the ground tremured sightly as herds of hammerhead titanotheres moved to a shadier spot. She closed her eyes and inhaled the scent of nature, innocent nature. Undisturbed, pure, and Grace loved it. It was everything she wasn't, It was warm, caring, beautiful, and happy. Why did she deserve this chance to be part of it, however small? What had she done to deserve it? Grace shook her head, her braids following bouncing off her shoulders. She couldn't think like that again, look where it got her last time.

"Hey Grace!" A familiar voice called her back to her senses. She turned her body to look behind her.

"Norm, I didn't know you were in a link." Grace looked toward the fellow Dreamwalker. Norm was everything Jake wasn't and vice-versa. Norm was clever, diplomatic, sweet, hard working. But unlike Jake he wasn't strong, determined, passionate, courageus or...

"Yeah I've been in for a while, I had this idea right..." Norm had pulled Grace out of her thoughts which was lucky as she didn't like where they were leading her anyway. She really had to get in control of her body more. Just lately she had been letting her body take over her and one day it was going to get her in trouble, she could just tell.

"That's cool, don't let me stop you." Grace said dismissively cutting Norm off this time.

"Oh...Ok" Norm sounded dejected but he knew when he wasn't wanted and so he started off towards a patch of trees to carry on his research. Grace decided that just dipping her feet in the water wasn't going to cool her off enough. She used her hands to push herself off the bank and slid into the water. Instantly she felt better, the rushing water soothing her skin, carrying off her sorrows. Even though she was in her Avatar her human senses took over and a silver tear slid down her face. She was fed up, leading a double life wasn't the problem, the problem was she enjoyed her fake life too much more than her real life as a human. More tears followed the first one, but apart from that Grace was indifferent, she stood there in the river, water up to her shoulders, staring ahead as many thoughts filled her head, of the past the present and what the future may hold.

"Grace?" A different voice interrupted her thoughts this time, Grace didn't move, she just stood there. She didn't even think she could respond even if she wanted to. "Grace," The voice came again. It was a sweet voice full of happiness and curiosity. Judging by the fact that the owner of the voice knew it was her from behind meant that they had at some point know Grace. Grace now knew who it was, but still she just stood motionlessly. Grace felt a disturbance in the water as the ripples resounded around, signaling that Neytiri had got into the water next to her. Grace still didn't want to move, she never wanted to move. Could she just stay and become part of the river, life would be simple that way. Warm hands were placed on Grace's shoulders and forced her to turn on the spot. "Grace, Whats wrong?" Neytiri asked in English yet her accent made it sound like another language entirely.

"I'm...I'm fine..." Grace shook her head to snap out of the state she was it. She pulled away from Neytiri and dipped her head down so it was fully under the water, then she came back up and surfaced, All signs of tears gone. "I was just thinking, that's all."

"Oh, deep thinking that must have been. May I ask what you were thinking about?" Neytiri settled down in the water and started to move about to cool off.

"Boring stuff really," Grace flashed all her teeth in a big smile, but she didn't think Neytiri quite believed it.

"Hmmm, I'm listening."

"I'm sure you are, It's just..." Grace turned away, she couldn't look at the young girls face while trying to think up a lie that she would buy.

"Grace..."

"I can't do it anymore Neytiri." Grace gave in, she was cursing herself but again her body was controlling her.

"Do what?" Neytiri swam round Grace so she was in front of her again.

"Live two lives. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything, I have nothing to show for my work. The best thing I did ended...Badly." Grace looked up and saw sadness in Neytiri's eyes.

"Grace, everything you do is good, your heart is good." Neytiri placed her hand over Grace's heart. "Please, don't do this, don't put yourself down."

"Neytiri...Its not as simple as that..."

"Yes it is. Grace."

"Anyway, I should get back. Jake needs babysitting."

"What does that mean?" Neytiri tilted her head.

"Jake doesn't eat, or sleep or live outside of his Avatar." Grace moved to the bank and pulled herself onto it.

"Jake is ill?" Neytiri couldn't quite grasp what Grace was saying.

"No...Not so much ill...He is kinda...He's ill up here." Grace tapped her head. "He doesn't like his human body."

"Look after him."

"I do, don't worry." Grace stood up, waved goodbye to Neytiri and made her way to the Hometree where she was allowed a hammock to sleep in. "I will look after him." She muttered to herself.

* * *

><p>Grace opened her eyes to the dark inside of the link unit. She sighed, how she was going to get round Jake she didn't know, although he might be stupid enough to believe a lie that she could tell him. She pushed on the cool metal and breathed in the stuffy, man made air. Pushing the grid up Grace sat up, twisted her legs so they were on the floor and stood up. She sat back down instantly as the usual pain shot up through her chest. "Oh leave me alone," Grace murmured, gritting her teeth she stood up again and made her way quickly to her desk before the pain crippled her. She let out a sigh as she sat down on her chair. Looking round at her desk Grace tried to locate the thing she craved. She couldn't find them, lifting up papers and folders checking under them. Still no sight of the little box. "hmmh, where are you?" Grace started checking her pockets, then she remembered that she worked in the other half of Site 26. Getting up slowly in case the pain happened again Grace made her way through the mobile shelter. She didn't see anyone they must be in their links, and Trudy was flying to Hells gate, hopefully she would be back by tonight as they were all running out of supplies. Reaching the work desk where her work still sat unfinished, as she left it mid experiment, she looked round all the vials and equipment Grace still couldn't see her Cigarettes. She was sure there was one more left. Grace shrugged and made her way to her belongings, in a chest underneath her bed. Pulling out the chest she unlocked it by entering her pin. Pulling open the lid Grace peered inside. The only clothes in there were the ones she hadn't worn at all since coming to Site 26, all her main clothiers were either being washed or worn. Pulling out the clothes Grace started inspecting round the chest, pulling random objects out and moving them round and round, still nothing. Grace frowned she was sure she had a substantial amount of cigarettes left. Grace started pulling everything out still no boxes appeared. Grace slammed the glass bottle in her hand on the floor in frustration. She instantly regretted it as gin seeped across the floor the smashed bottle laying on pieces next to her. "Fuck!" Grace grabbed an old T-shirt and dropped it onto the growing puddle. Grace started to put her belongings back in the chest which she was still kneeled next to. She swept her hand along the floor to retrieve pens and pencils that had got scattered, when she felt a twinge along her arm and wrist, deciding to ignore it Grace finished packing away her things. She was now frustrated at the loss of her cigarettes, annoyed at the broken glass bottle and was generally shattered. Turning to face the still growing puddle on the floor Grace swore again, the white shirt wasn't just drenched in the colorless alcohol but also in the shocking, russet colour of blood. "Shit." This day was going from bad to worse.<p>

"Grace?" Grace must have swore louder than she should have. Jake's voice came from the other half of the shelter. He must have woken from his link. Grace raised her right arm and the blood flowed down it, dripping on the floor, staining the shirt even further. The blood had totally covered her arm now and Grace located the source, it wasn't exactly hard. A big jaggered bit of glass stuck out her hand and wrist. It was embedded quite deeply starting just below her pinky finger and ending about 10cm below her wrist bone. As for the wrist bone that was showing as the skin covering it...well wasn't covering it anymore. Grace had seen some things in her time but this was making her feel ill. Surly that should have hurt like a bitch but it didn't, in fact Grace wasn't feeling much at the moment. She was trying to analyze her injury but her brain felt like it was filled with cotton rather than neurons and synapses. "Grace! What happened?" Grace hadn't even heard Jake enter the room, let alone see him approach her.

"A panda attacked me, what do you think numbnuts?" Grace smiled as she attempted humor even like this, the last thing she rememberer was Jake's face peering over at her as he was nearly falling off his wheelchair by leaning over so much, and then darkness...

* * *

><p><strong>There you are! Hope you enjoyed it, I'm planning several more chapters of course as his is defiantly not finished.<strong>

**This would have been a Grace X Jake Fanfiction if their ages weren't 22 years different which makes it creepy of they went out don't ya think?**

**But this is not a Romance so don't worry. I would love to know what you think about this story so if you want to let me know, then please review. **

**Thanks very much ^.^**

**Your-Bespoke-Psychopath.**


	2. Opposite Plans

_**This is the next chapter. I'll talk later on, for now please try to enjoy. X**_

* * *

><p>"Grace...Grace." A distorted voice called out to her subconsousness. Grace heard it, every word, every movement, every grunt that came from the cripple who was trying to hoist things about. Grace tried to move but she couldn't, even to open her eyes to look about. One thing she did feel, the growing pain that was rippling though her body. "Grace, if you can hear me which I think you can, I need to move you. It might hurt, but its just a little way." Grace tried to smile, Jake knew what he was doing. "On the count of three...one..." Grace felt strong hands under her back, one at the top near her neck, the other on her lower back. "Two..." She felt the hands apply pressure, "..Three..." She broke contact with the floor and seconds later felt the soft cushoning of her bed. "That's it Grace, We did it." Grace felt a cool hand on her forehead, Then it was gone and Grace could hear bangs echoing round the metal tub as Jake wheeled around.<p>

Jake surveyed the damage. He looked down and saw the puddle of crimmson blood and gin. The shirt on the floor was well and truly saturated and wasn't soaking up any more liquids. The glass had spread far and wide that would be a bugger to clear up. Jake wheeled over the mess and over to a cabniet which he knew held a medi-kit. Getting it out Jake placed it on his lap as he pivitod on the spot and headed back towards Grace. Her arm was hanging off the bed and on the floor, still bleeding everywhere. If Jake had seen the damage before moving her he knew he should have sorted it first. The amount of blood she was loosing was vast. Picking up speed Jake made it to Grace and took her arm. He placed it on his lap and opened the first aid kit. "Grace...This..This will hurt but I have to do it, ok. Be brave." Jake gripped the glass piece and ripped it cleanly out of the wound. He had seen worse but this was pretty bad. It was made even worse when Grace shot up in pain.

"Bastard!" She hissed. Grace had felt the tug of the glass, the pain spread through her body right down to the tip of her toes. She was staring around her, looking for anything to take her mind off the pain.

"Grace I'm sorry," Jake was now holding a cloth to the wound tightly. It was quickly the colour of scarlet. "Grace can you hold this on there." Grace put a shaky hand on the colth and held it with an iron grip. Her head was fuzzy and all she could do was follow the simple instructions, not even regerstring what she was actually doing. Meanwhile Jake was ripping open a bandage packet and unrolling it slightly. "Ok lift the cloth," Grace did, Jake acted quickly and within seconds most of the wound was covered with the bandage.

"You know your way round a medical kit Marine." Grace pointed out.

"It won't do much but when Trudy gets here she can fly you back to Hells Gate where you can get proper medical treatment..." Grace snorted, Her head was loosing some of it's fuzziness as she listened to Jake's words.

"I'm not going back there Jake." Jake continued, pretending he hadn't hear her.

"And while you're there you can get help for your other problem." Jake gave Grace back her arm so he could put the bit of broken glass in the bin.

"What are you talking about?" Grace, who was now sitting upright in bed, pulled the medical kit that Jake had put on the bed towards her. She located some pain killers and downed them without water.

"You know what I'm talking about Grace, don't play dumb." Jake put some more towles and rags on the floor to soak up the liquid.

"Where's my cigarettes?" Grace asked scanning the tables for a sign of a small cylindrical tube. Jake remanied silent which flagged up suspision in Grace. "Jake?"

"I don't know, where did you put them?" Jake kept on cleaning up the mess leaning over to reach the floor, his back to Grace.

"Jake what have you done with them?" Grace stood up and tried to catch Jake's eyes. She felt a bit woozy but stayed standing anyway.

"Their bad for you Grace, you've have 9 of them today. And with your..."

"Don't you dare say my 'condition' I don't have a condition. I am not a child!" Grace side stepped the wheelchair so she could stand infront of Jake and putting her hands on her hips as she went.

"Grace...You can tell me please, we're friends aren't we." Jake finally looked up into Grace's angry face that was masking any other emotion.

"There isn't anything wrong with me! I'm going back in the link." Grace started to storm off but faltered. Her head span and she didn't know which way was which.

"Grace!" Jake wheeled froward and lead Grace back to her bed. "Settle down. I'll go get you something to eat."

"Don't bother unless it comes with a cigarette," Grace sighed and laid back down on her bed. She inspected her wrist which was hurting like a bitch. For a man, Jake had a very neat style when it came to bandages. She thumped her head down until her pillow started to feel more comforting as it cushioned her head and muzzled thebuzzing that was swarming her brain. Even though she deperatly wanted to go into her Avatar she knew that the connection wouldn't last long with her in this state. Anyone should know better than to commit to their Avatar if they are ill. There was only one person who didn't care what state his human body was in and that was the man now clattering around down the hall, looking out for his friend. She sighed. That had hurt coming from Jake. _'We're friends aren't we?' _Grace couldn't deny that, but it was a blow to her when Jake used it against her, she was glad he couldn't tell how much it hurt as she masked it with anger. Yes they were friends, so shouldn't he respect her enough to not nag her or make her feely guilty for not confiding in them. No, she was right he was wrong. As she lay there with distant echoes reverberating round site 26, Grace realised that they were working. Personal stuff should stay personal, Jake was just getting in the way. Who was he to take away her ciggerrets anyway? The only thing that was making any sense and was haepling her current predicement was the same phrase. 'I need to distant myself.' 'I need to distant myself.' '_I need to distant myself.' _'_I need to distant myself.' _

Why was she always like this? He admired her, looked up to her but also cared for her. This wasn't just about some colleagues working in the same place. This was four people copped up in a metal tub, working but alos living together. They ate together, slpet in the same room, talked, fought, helped each other, _Looked out for each other. _So why didn't she let him help her? He slammed the fridge door shut with such force the whole unit budged back a few centimeters. He had said it, he knew that using it against her may drive her away but he couldn't help himself. She was the selfish one, not him. _'We're friends aren't we?' _He had meant for her to agree. But she haden't. Infact he saw anger through her eyes. Just a few moments as a fire blazed deep within her, then it was gone. The flames puffed out by what made Grace known as 'The ice queen,' Only behind her back of course. But Jake pretended not to have seen anything, maybe playing dumb was the way to go about this. Letting Grace think she had fooled him, then slowly she would let her gaurd down, one brick at a time. Mean while Jake would slwly edge himself closer to her, getting in to her life even more than now. Not on a physical level, how could you get much closer than always being seconds away from each other. Even in their Avatars both of them could be spotted scouting the area. But on a mental level, an emotional level. As Jake continued to gather up cutlery, plates, drinks and food, He resolved himself to the fact that all he had to do was get closer to Grace. He repeted it so it was set in stone, all other problems; such as the impending doom from Hell's gate, or the hopeless diplomatic manouvers on the Na'vi were forgotten as one phrase took over. _'I need to get closer to her'_ _'I need to get closer to her'_ _'I need to get closer to her'_ _'I need to get closer to her.'_

* * *

><p><strong>I'm sorry It's short. I've planned this story to a certian amount but I need the 'filler' details of the story. Day to day events, character arks, etc etc. However I am pushing a head with this story and Hopefully it shouldn't take me too long to get into the swing of things.<strong>

**I'm not sure how this is turning out, I don't know if my writing is too basic or boring...I just don't know. If you have any pointers, flames, critisisms I would love to know, I'm sure there are plently of things to talk about (good or bad) in this chapter... Thanks in advanced.**

**A hugh thank you to **RDA spy **, **Grace**, and **Unil Taftxuyu, **for reviewing. They were a big boost for me, especially as it has kept this story on Fanficiton and not being pulled off by me... Thanks so much!**

**Good luck on your own Fanfictions, let me know If you need anyone to give you feedback on any of your stories. I'm always glad to help.**

**~Your-Bespoke-psychopath. x**


End file.
